Sunday, November 21, 2010

Big Girl, You Are Beautiful.

Today is a fairly good day. There is snow on the ground, and I know Bella would have loved it. I hope where ever she is, waiting for me, that there's snow for her to play in. She loved snow.

Last night I was sent a link to a video a friend of mine had made for Bella. She'd used the song Yesterdays by Switchfoot that I'd quoted in an earlier post, and the video made me laugh, cry, and clutch Psyche, knowing she misses Boo just as much as I do. I still miss Bella everyday, but I was proud that I could laugh at some of those foolish pictures of her that were in the video. Thank you again, Abby. (To see the video go here: )

Today I'm watching old videos of her, and they make me smile. I miss my Boo with every fiber of my being, but I feel like I'm finally able (or at least today) to look back and smile about her. Love that I had her at all, love what she gave me, and just love her. I hold my memories more dear to my heart then ever before the longer she's gone.

My favorite video of Bella today:

Oh, my Boo. <3

No real point to this entry, I guess. Just some stuff on my heart I wanted to get out. Thanks to my friends and family who have been so supportive.

Wednesday, November 17, 2010

Two Months

I can't even fathom the idea that I've been without my Bella for two hole months as of today, but it has. In a way, I can't believe it's been two months already, but at the same time, I feel like it's been ages since I've seen my Boo and I miss her like crazy. I still sometimes feel like this isn't real and I've just sent her to stay with someone else for a long time; a part of me is still waiting for her to come home. Today is one of those days where it just doesn't seem real. How is it possibly real that my baby girl, who taught me so much and means so much to me is actually gone from this world? Just so unreal to me. And I wish it weren't real.

My thoughts lately have not only been of Bella, but also of a few friends of mine who recently lost their loved ones. It saddens me to say that Bella has friends playing with her now, but it only saddens me because I now have friends here on earth, missing them. Duke, a young German Shepherd, taken way too soon from his momma. Koda, an Australian Shepherd who's momma made the decision to end his suffering and see him free. And so many others who I'm sure have been lost within the past two months.

My heart goes out to anyone who said goodbye to a best friend, ever. I know that it's a tough situation. And to the people who have just recently said goodbye, know that it gets easier. Not easier to not think about them, or to not miss them, but easier to look back and love the moments you had and cherish the memories you were given. After two months I have days where I can finally look back at pictures and videos of Bella and instead of sobbing and hating that she's gone, I can look at them and smile because Bella was a goof, and she was perfect, and amazing, and she was my Boo, and I'll miss her forever, but at least I have a reason to miss her - I knew her, and that in itself is amazing.

Think today of your lost loved ones, and don't dwell that they're gone, but be happy that they lived, and that you were lucky enough to not only know them, but to love them.

Boo, I miss you more then anything in the world, know that you're always on my mind, and you're a being who came into my life and did amazing things. For that I'll forever owe you, and I will never forget you, and all that you've done for me.

Monday, November 1, 2010

Bella's final gift to me

This past weekend I attended an agility trial with my young border collie, Psyche.

Psyche and Bella were very close when Bella was still with me. Bella was instantly best friends with her when I first brought her home, and they've been buddies since. Bella and Psyche played for hours, slept together, snuggled, and were over all an amazing pair. Between those two I never had a second where the thought that I owned amazing dogs wasn't somewhere in my head.

When we (and I say we as in anyone who ever knew how amazing Bella truly was) lost Bella, I was devastated, but so was Psyche. We both missed her, and still miss her. And because of how much the two of us miss Bella, we rely on each other a lot more. She understands when I want to just lay in bed and cry for a little bit, and I understand when she doesn't feel like playing. We get that we're both sad.

The weekend after putting Bella down, Psyche and I both sucked it up and went to the trial we'd entered in. I wasn't expecting to have a great weekend, and for the most part, I spent it in near tears, trying to keep myself in check while people told me how sorry they were for my loss. But when it was our turn to run, Psyche made it all better. She showed me with everything she did that she still loved me, even though we were both sad, and she gave me her all.

It still wasn't a "perfect" weekend to some, but it was great to me. I thought Psyche and I were finally starting to come together as a team.

This past weekend, Halloween weekend, Psyche showed me that, yes, we are coming together as a team, and even better, we're going to be an amazing team.

Psyche and I loaded up and drove 3 hours to our first ever indoor trial. It was new to Psyche and new to me. We were entered in 8 runs total (all that was offered) and it was the most I'd ever entered Psyche in - remember, she only started trialing this spring. Of those 8 runs, Psyche and I had 6 amazing runs, and the other two were good, just not as good as the others she gave me that weekend. We were truly connected, and everyone who had seen us run before knew it, saw it, and commented on it. We had an amazing weekend.

This weekend, Psyche gave me not only her first Q (qualifying run) but also my first ever Q with a dog I'd trained. She ran with me through a Snookers course that I planned out with the help of friends, and not only ran clean and under time for me, but managed to snag a Q and a first place ribbon!

I don't remember when it happened, or even if it was before or after our Q, or who said it, but this weekend someone of the agility community looked at me and was saying how great Psyche was doing, and I gave my usual response "Yes, she's doing so great, and I'm so happy... but it's sad that what seems to have brought this around was losing Bella." and without even skipping a beat this person replied, with a pat on my shoulder, "This was her last gift to you."

Tears come to my eyes writing this now, because I know it's true. Bella, in all of her foolishness and pure beauty made it so that even through our grieving and missing her, Psyche and I would find each other and seek out comfort and come together as an amazing team.

I like to think that when I'm out there, having amazing runs with my Psycher Doo that my Boodleshnitzle is right there along side us, keeping pace and urging us to be the best we can be - together.