Friday, October 22, 2010

I remember you like yesterday.

I wrote this on my iPod (have to love that "note" feature!) on October 14th. Thought it might be something worth posting on the blog, just for you all to get a taste of what I'm feeling.

"I spent the last half hour just playing with Psyche. She was playing with a sock, a piece of paper, a feather, my blanket, and my pillows. She will play with anything, just to play.

It was nice. I think tonight will be the first night I've gone to sleep with some happy in my heart - she's just too cute for me not to be happy about.

She's laying beside me on the bed, me on my belly, propped up, her laying flat on her belly, head down, resting on her paws, just laying beside her momma.

I've been so thankful for her this past month. She has helped me so much in dealing with the loss of Bella. At first my tears, and the way I breath when crying freaked her out, but she's gotten used to them and comes up to just love on me when I'm down. I think she understands why I'm crying - gets why I'm sad... Because I think she is too. I know she missed Bella, at least a first, but I think now, even a month later, Psyche still has moments like I do - oh where's Bella? She's gotta see this! But she's not here to see. And I think that's just as hard on both of us.

Psyche sleeps in one of Bella's old spots - the spot up by my head and pillow where Bella used to lay her head, her big German shepherd body crammed into my lower back. Now a smaller dog lays there. I sometimes wonder if it makes her feel closer to Bella. I know being in my bedroom makes me feel closer to her. Most of my memories of her are in this room, or at least the more fresh ones. I'm scared for the day when even the fresh ones seem old. I'm scared for when I grow old and forget the little stores about my Bella. I'm terrified I'll lose her completely by forgetting. I don't ever want to forget."

It's been really rough for me - I won't even attempt to hide that from you, it wouldn't be possible. But I can say with all of my heart that the only reason I've managed to be as strong as I'm being is because of Psyche. She's keeping me going, reminding me that I need to get up and live my life, I can't just spend my time crying over what can't be changed now. She looks at me with her soulful eyes and I can't say no to her, I can't not be the owner she needs me to be, because I know she needs me to help her deal with the pain of this loss, and her way of dealing is to be with me, and be happy with me. I think in a way she understands better then I ever will how Bella would want me to be living. I know Bella would want me happy, but that doesn't mean it's easy to just do that.

A friend of mine, Abby, who I thank for being there for me, recently mentioned to me a song, and I'm so grateful she did. It's called Yesterdays by Switchfoot and the lyrics so a special something that seems to ease my soul. I thought I'd share those lyrics with you all, simply because it makes me happy to do so.

Flowers cut and brought inside
Black cars in a single line
Your family in suits and ties
And you're free

The ache I feel inside
Is where the life has left your eyes
I'm alone for our last goodbye
But you're free

I remember you like yesterday, yesterday
I still can't believe you're gone, oh...
I remember you like yesterday, yesterday
And until I'm with you, I'll carry on

Adrift on your ocean floor
I feel weightless, numb, and sore
A part of you in me is torn
And you're free

I woke from a dream last night
I dreamt that you were by my side
Reminding me I still had life
In me

I'll carry on

Every lament is a love song
Yesterday, yesterday
I still can't believe you're gone
So long my friend, so long

I know the lyrics are kind of morbid and sad, but they don't make me feel that way... The "you're free" bit gives me a great deal of comfort, because I know, Bella is free. From all her demons, from all her problems, from all her downfalls. She's free of all the mental suffering she's endured through out her short life... Bella's soul is free, free to find a spot that makes her happy and comfortable until we meet again. However she comes back to me, if at all, or even if I wait to see her at the bridge some day, I can't wait for that, but I know she wouldn't want the moment for me to cross that bridge with her to come too soon, and so until the time comes, I hope my baby is happy and free somewheres.

You're free, Bella.

Tuesday, October 19, 2010

I woke from a dream of you last night.

This is my first real post since losing Bella, not counting her memorial post, which was just a copy and paste jobbie.

It's been one month and two days now, and that one month and two days have been the hardest of my life. Everyday there's a second where I border on the edge of a mental break down, no matter where I am - school, the bus, at home alone, out in public with family. I'm just 100%, undoubtedly, uncontrollably sad.

On Sunday night, the night of one month, I had a dream of Bella. I was walking into a building/room, with walls painted light blue, and when I came in, I looked ahead of me, and there was Bella. I remember her coming up to me, doing her happy dance, jumping up but not toughing, spinning in joy, and rubbing against my legs, and then she put her front paws up and stood with me holding her upper body close like we used to, and instead of her being her happy, wiggly self that she usually is at that point, she just calmed and rested there happily in my arms, just soaking in being together.

I told this to my sister, who lost her beloved mare to colic years back, and she told me not to be sad, but to think of it as Bella telling me she's okay, healthy and happy, but that she misses me, and I think she's right. And I hope she's right. I can't stand to think of Bella as just dead. She's not. She's gone, but her spirit is waiting to find it's way back to me some how in this realm, or waiting for my spirit to make it's way to the place hers is, and at this point I need to believe that I will see her again someday, somehow, because that's the only way I can function.

I don't know what to say to you all, or how to keep it happy and joyful when my heart is neither happy nor joyful. I'm full almost to the edge of sorrow and upset over losing my best friend, my heart dog, my Bella. However, there are moments of each day where her memories make me smile and allow the pain to slip away for long enough for me to enjoy my other dogs without the nagging thought of "If this was with Bella, it'd be even better."

I've stopped feeling guilty over being the one to decide it was time for her life to end. There's no point beating myself up about it - she's gone. Now I'm full of sadness and fear because she's gone, and I'm scared so much that someday I will forget her memories she's left behind, and I don't want that to ever happen.

I'm making it, day by day. I've lost animals before, but never in my short life has it ever hurt this much. You know you've had something special when it takes this long to even consider a way to function normally with the pain over the loss.

I'm not sure what will be done with the blog. I don't want it to fade away, I want it to stay, representing Bella in her life. You mostly all heard the good things, and that's what I want the world to see, for now. Someday I'll tell the whole story of Bella, and my life before and after her, but as of right now, I want to keep most of that to myself. I will keep using the blog for memories of Bella, "that time when....", I think. I'd be happy doing that, putting my memories somewhere where I wont forget them. And you may even see some training/general updates of my other girls too, since they're what's keeping me even a little bit happy these days. I don't know what I'd do without them.

I guess that's all for now, folks. Just hang with me for a little bit - it's going to take a while for my posts to go from sad to happy again, but I just need to get it out.