Tuesday, October 19, 2010

I woke from a dream of you last night.

This is my first real post since losing Bella, not counting her memorial post, which was just a copy and paste jobbie.

It's been one month and two days now, and that one month and two days have been the hardest of my life. Everyday there's a second where I border on the edge of a mental break down, no matter where I am - school, the bus, at home alone, out in public with family. I'm just 100%, undoubtedly, uncontrollably sad.

On Sunday night, the night of one month, I had a dream of Bella. I was walking into a building/room, with walls painted light blue, and when I came in, I looked ahead of me, and there was Bella. I remember her coming up to me, doing her happy dance, jumping up but not toughing, spinning in joy, and rubbing against my legs, and then she put her front paws up and stood with me holding her upper body close like we used to, and instead of her being her happy, wiggly self that she usually is at that point, she just calmed and rested there happily in my arms, just soaking in being together.

I told this to my sister, who lost her beloved mare to colic years back, and she told me not to be sad, but to think of it as Bella telling me she's okay, healthy and happy, but that she misses me, and I think she's right. And I hope she's right. I can't stand to think of Bella as just dead. She's not. She's gone, but her spirit is waiting to find it's way back to me some how in this realm, or waiting for my spirit to make it's way to the place hers is, and at this point I need to believe that I will see her again someday, somehow, because that's the only way I can function.

I don't know what to say to you all, or how to keep it happy and joyful when my heart is neither happy nor joyful. I'm full almost to the edge of sorrow and upset over losing my best friend, my heart dog, my Bella. However, there are moments of each day where her memories make me smile and allow the pain to slip away for long enough for me to enjoy my other dogs without the nagging thought of "If this was with Bella, it'd be even better."

I've stopped feeling guilty over being the one to decide it was time for her life to end. There's no point beating myself up about it - she's gone. Now I'm full of sadness and fear because she's gone, and I'm scared so much that someday I will forget her memories she's left behind, and I don't want that to ever happen.

I'm making it, day by day. I've lost animals before, but never in my short life has it ever hurt this much. You know you've had something special when it takes this long to even consider a way to function normally with the pain over the loss.

I'm not sure what will be done with the blog. I don't want it to fade away, I want it to stay, representing Bella in her life. You mostly all heard the good things, and that's what I want the world to see, for now. Someday I'll tell the whole story of Bella, and my life before and after her, but as of right now, I want to keep most of that to myself. I will keep using the blog for memories of Bella, "that time when....", I think. I'd be happy doing that, putting my memories somewhere where I wont forget them. And you may even see some training/general updates of my other girls too, since they're what's keeping me even a little bit happy these days. I don't know what I'd do without them.

I guess that's all for now, folks. Just hang with me for a little bit - it's going to take a while for my posts to go from sad to happy again, but I just need to get it out.

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