I remember you like yesterday.

I wrote this on my iPod (have to love that "note" feature!) on October 14th. Thought it might be something worth posting on the blog, just for you all to get a taste of what I'm feeling.

"I spent the last half hour just playing with Psyche. She was playing with a sock, a piece of paper, a feather, my blanket, and my pillows. She will play with anything, just to play.

It was nice. I think tonight will be the first night I've gone to sleep with some happy in my heart - she's just too cute for me not to be happy about.

She's laying beside me on the bed, me on my belly, propped up, her laying flat on her belly, head down, resting on her paws, just laying beside her momma.

I've been so thankful for her this past month. She has helped me so much in dealing with the loss of Bella. At first my tears, and the way I breath when crying freaked her out, but she's gotten used to them and comes up to just love on me when I'm down. I think she understands why I'm crying - gets why I'm sad... Because I think she is too. I know she missed Bella, at least a first, but I think now, even a month later, Psyche still has moments like I do - oh where's Bella? She's gotta see this! But she's not here to see. And I think that's just as hard on both of us.

Psyche sleeps in one of Bella's old spots - the spot up by my head and pillow where Bella used to lay her head, her big German shepherd body crammed into my lower back. Now a smaller dog lays there. I sometimes wonder if it makes her feel closer to Bella. I know being in my bedroom makes me feel closer to her. Most of my memories of her are in this room, or at least the more fresh ones. I'm scared for the day when even the fresh ones seem old. I'm scared for when I grow old and forget the little stores about my Bella. I'm terrified I'll lose her completely by forgetting. I don't ever want to forget."

It's been really rough for me - I won't even attempt to hide that from you, it wouldn't be possible. But I can say with all of my heart that the only reason I've managed to be as strong as I'm being is because of Psyche. She's keeping me going, reminding me that I need to get up and live my life, I can't just spend my time crying over what can't be changed now. She looks at me with her soulful eyes and I can't say no to her, I can't not be the owner she needs me to be, because I know she needs me to help her deal with the pain of this loss, and her way of dealing is to be with me, and be happy with me. I think in a way she understands better then I ever will how Bella would want me to be living. I know Bella would want me happy, but that doesn't mean it's easy to just do that.

A friend of mine, Abby, who I thank for being there for me, recently mentioned to me a song, and I'm so grateful she did. It's called Yesterdays by Switchfoot and the lyrics so a special something that seems to ease my soul. I thought I'd share those lyrics with you all, simply because it makes me happy to do so.

Flowers cut and brought inside
Black cars in a single line
Your family in suits and ties
And you're free

The ache I feel inside
Is where the life has left your eyes
I'm alone for our last goodbye
But you're free

I remember you like yesterday, yesterday
I still can't believe you're gone, oh...
I remember you like yesterday, yesterday
And until I'm with you, I'll carry on

Adrift on your ocean floor
I feel weightless, numb, and sore
A part of you in me is torn
And you're free

I woke from a dream last night
I dreamt that you were by my side
Reminding me I still had life
In me

I'll carry on

Every lament is a love song
Yesterday, yesterday
I still can't believe you're gone
So long my friend, so long

I know the lyrics are kind of morbid and sad, but they don't make me feel that way... The "you're free" bit gives me a great deal of comfort, because I know, Bella is free. From all her demons, from all her problems, from all her downfalls. She's free of all the mental suffering she's endured through out her short life... Bella's soul is free, free to find a spot that makes her happy and comfortable until we meet again. However she comes back to me, if at all, or even if I wait to see her at the bridge some day, I can't wait for that, but I know she wouldn't want the moment for me to cross that bridge with her to come too soon, and so until the time comes, I hope my baby is happy and free somewheres.

You're free, Bella.

I woke from a dream of you last night.

This is my first real post since losing Bella, not counting her memorial post, which was just a copy and paste jobbie.

It's been one month and two days now, and that one month and two days have been the hardest of my life. Everyday there's a second where I border on the edge of a mental break down, no matter where I am - school, the bus, at home alone, out in public with family. I'm just 100%, undoubtedly, uncontrollably sad.

On Sunday night, the night of one month, I had a dream of Bella. I was walking into a building/room, with walls painted light blue, and when I came in, I looked ahead of me, and there was Bella. I remember her coming up to me, doing her happy dance, jumping up but not toughing, spinning in joy, and rubbing against my legs, and then she put her front paws up and stood with me holding her upper body close like we used to, and instead of her being her happy, wiggly self that she usually is at that point, she just calmed and rested there happily in my arms, just soaking in being together.

I told this to my sister, who lost her beloved mare to colic years back, and she told me not to be sad, but to think of it as Bella telling me she's okay, healthy and happy, but that she misses me, and I think she's right. And I hope she's right. I can't stand to think of Bella as just dead. She's not. She's gone, but her spirit is waiting to find it's way back to me some how in this realm, or waiting for my spirit to make it's way to the place hers is, and at this point I need to believe that I will see her again someday, somehow, because that's the only way I can function.

I don't know what to say to you all, or how to keep it happy and joyful when my heart is neither happy nor joyful. I'm full almost to the edge of sorrow and upset over losing my best friend, my heart dog, my Bella. However, there are moments of each day where her memories make me smile and allow the pain to slip away for long enough for me to enjoy my other dogs without the nagging thought of "If this was with Bella, it'd be even better."

I've stopped feeling guilty over being the one to decide it was time for her life to end. There's no point beating myself up about it - she's gone. Now I'm full of sadness and fear because she's gone, and I'm scared so much that someday I will forget her memories she's left behind, and I don't want that to ever happen.

I'm making it, day by day. I've lost animals before, but never in my short life has it ever hurt this much. You know you've had something special when it takes this long to even consider a way to function normally with the pain over the loss.

I'm not sure what will be done with the blog. I don't want it to fade away, I want it to stay, representing Bella in her life. You mostly all heard the good things, and that's what I want the world to see, for now. Someday I'll tell the whole story of Bella, and my life before and after her, but as of right now, I want to keep most of that to myself. I will keep using the blog for memories of Bella, "that time when....", I think. I'd be happy doing that, putting my memories somewhere where I wont forget them. And you may even see some training/general updates of my other girls too, since they're what's keeping me even a little bit happy these days. I don't know what I'd do without them.

I guess that's all for now, folks. Just hang with me for a little bit - it's going to take a while for my posts to go from sad to happy again, but I just need to get it out.

To the best dog who has ever been mine.

READ: I guess I was proved wrong from my earlier post. Things in this household went downhill. Real downhill.
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February 11th, 2007 - September 17th, 2010

Today I made the very tough decision to say good-bye to my heart dog until we meet again, and to end a journey she and I had started together. Today ranks in one of the saddest, and hardest days of my life.
I didn't even know how to begin saying good-bye to a dog that has become my life, my love, my best friend, my everything, but I had to. On Tuesday night Bella attacked Zoey, leaving Zoey torn and lame. That was strike three for Bella, and we realized what we thought we had solved by rehoming Gyp hadn't and it was still a problem, and one we didn't know how to fix. After talking to vets we decided it was a mental thing with Bella, and always has been.

I spent the last two days crying, cuddling, and sleeping. I was sick thinking I'd be saying good-bye. This morning I woke up, cuddled her, took her for her last van ride, and then let her go out in the field with Morrie and Psyche to have one last romp. As we were cooling off in her little kiddie pool the vet drove down the drive way (we had him come and do it here on the farm to be easier for her and I) and I prepared to say good-bye. I wasn't ready for him to be there yet, but looking at it now, I don't think I would have ever been ready for it.

As he got out of the car Bella gave me one last reason to brag about what a great dog she was. She greeted him with such grace and happiness that you'd never guess she had issues with people when I first brought her home.

She passed easily enough, with her face buried in my neck, while I cried repeating "you're a good girl, Bella. A good girl."; I just didn't want her to go without her knowing that. I watched as her beautiful soul left the vessel she had loved me in, and I cried. For lost chances, for failure, for Bella and I losing the chance to grow our love even stronger.

My sister snapped this shot today while we were playing, and for that I'm grateful.



I'm holding on, and I'll stay strong, because I know that's what Bella would want, but I don't feel right. My body is missing something, and I know that a part of my being left Bella's body with her soul today.

So cry a tear for us, as we part our ways until we meet again.

We'll meet again, Bella, and when we do, I'll love you just as much or more. Time will never erase the memories you've given me, or the lessons you've taught me. Rest easy, Baby Girl, I miss you like crazy.

Woah, I still suck at blogging!

Well, yeah. I'm not going to lie and say I'm good at this, 'cause obviously I'm not.

Anyway, here's the general update. Bella and I quit agility classes, because she got loose one night after the classes were done and she went after another dog. I hesitated there, not knowing what to call what happened. She got her crate open (even though I was certain I had my "back up lock" on it) and she went after a Pyre that happened to be out and training at the time, as soon as she got there, she grabbed for him, and got only a mouth full of hair (even more reason for me to love the breed) - and just then I said "Bella, here!" and she dropped the entire event like it had never happened, came over to me, and calmly walked back to her crate without even thinking about going back towards the dog. It was a strange event, and not as serious as some things I've seen her do with our dogs, but still enough for me to say no to anymore classes with her.

So she and I have been mostly doing nothing. We cuddle, and chill, and just enjoy the lazy life. But still, I feel bad not doing anything with her, and I miss working with her, because she's honestly a love to train, when she's not reacting.

The other day, yesterday, to be exact, I was going to the agility field with Zoey and Psyche for some work, and I said "what the heck, let's bring Bella too." and so Bella came along. We worked on some agility stuff, and she did great. It was only me and my mom there, so only dogs she knew, and she handled it all really well. We worked on some jump stuff, the tire, the chute, tunnels, and her contacts - working on getting a 2o2o. She loved working with me yesterday, and I loved working her.

I think here begins the road of "at home, at the field, at the barn for FUN only training". I don't ever want to trial her - ever. However, I'm thinking I'd like to be able to take her out, set up a course, and run it. And since I'm doing that with the other two for training anyway, why the heck not?

So that's how she goes right now. Bella's doing incredibly well now that Gyp's in a new, happy home (Gypie's a JOGGER NOW! Can you imagine? Fat, tubby, doesn't even like to go for walks with us, Gypie is a JOGGER! So happy for the girl!) and all the dogs are happy to live together in peace.

I love these peaceful days, and I'll cherish them forever, because I never know weather or not the last time we had a huge inner family issue was the last. I live a day to day life with Bella.

School has started, so no promises I'll keep this blog updated.. but here's a picture to make up for that, or at least try.

Perhaps we're getting somewhere?

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Blown Away!

Wow, wow, wow! I am so incredibly impressed with this dog!

So on Sunday I took Bella to agility again, kept her in her crate, and I varied my rewards more. [She's getting sassy -- if I'm not treating her and she's behaving she will stomp at me and sometimes bark in my direction!] She stayed in her crate most of the day until I took her out while Mom worked her dog Tinky. She was great with Tinky, and usually she has a hard time controlling herself, even if Tinky's just playing, she always wants to chase and tackle her (not in an aggressive manner, but in a rough play way). She behaved great - really focusing on me, and behaving, so other then just clicking and treating her as a reward, after Mom put Tinky away, I let her do a jump or two and the tunnel a few times (she loves tunnels!).

I worked her some with all the other dogs away, and then said "okay, will you bring your dog out?" to the lady training with us. She just walked him around her -- on leash -- for a bit, then I had her jog past, then when I was really comfortable with how she was behaving, I said you do the tunnel on the other side of the barn. Bella loves tunnels, and hates when other dogs do them, so this was a "tougher" thing to ask. I asked Bella for nose touches, spins, downs, 'dead's, sits, etc., while the woman was doing it, and Bella literally didn't flick an ear.

After that I had her jog around some more, and Bella was REALLY focusing on me. She'd look at the other dog every once in a while, but if I said "Leave it." she was very quick to respond to that command.

I am so pleased with her -- Good Dog, Bella!

One More Step Towards Good Dog-dom!

I am so incredibly pleased with my Bella dog right now.

Yesterday at the barn was a terrific day!

I took a crate for her, a blanket, my clicker and lots of treats.. Oh! And a chair so I could sit and reward like crazy for good behaviour. I started with only the back, where I was sitting, un-covered. She could only see me, but she could hear the other dogs. She did well with that, so I un-covered a side again, so she could see me, and also the crates beside her, which the closest one had my other dogs, and the one beside that had 2 stranger dogs. She started to bark at them, but turned back to me instead. Click, treat!

I then took the other side off, so she still couldn't fully see the dogs, but she could hear them, she did well, so I moved my chair to the front of her crate and un-covered all sides.* She barked once, and when she did, I covered her again on all sides. She quickly (like, as soon as she realized she was covered) stopped her little fit, and calmed down, I waited a few more seconds then un-covered her again. From there she went to watching a Sheltie do a full jumpers course, to a Collie doing the same, and then to a Border Collie doing it as well. All with out any fits.

Of course, she was getting a boat load of treats, and I was practically shoving them down her throat, but still, she was behaving, and doing what I wanted (which was paying attention to me (offering eye contact) and not reacting at the other dogs), and so she got major rewards for that!

I was very pleased with my girl. Next week we'll do the same thing (in her crate) except for the fact that I will be adding more time between rewards, and asking for more - longer eye contact, some downs and sits, etc..

After that, depending on how she does next week, I may try opening the door some (with her leash attached to her, and a hold of her leash), and eventually move to just outside of her crate, to someday out of her crate.

Just a general update on how yesterday went. We're looking into agility classes in May, and I'm very excited because it feels like we're finally getting somewheres!

*This was all over the span of about 2 hours, and it's also her 3rd week working on the issue in this manner